St. Ignace to Cross Village: Some things are worth doing just because they are hard.

This might be a long one. Today I went on two journeys: the standard bike one, and the possible turning point in a personal one.  I'm not sure.  I don't have anyone here to talk to about any of this, so I'm putting it here either for me in the future or you now - I guess it depends on how much time and interest you have.  Whatevs, writing is second only to juggling and music for me when it comes to getting my mind straight, and I'm too tired for those.

I got out of camp early, and actually never talked to Lorenso and Brandy last night or this morning They hung out in their RV the whole time.  I left a gift of fudge I'd bought earlier as a thank you and hit the rode at 7:45 to catch the 8:20 ferry to Mackinac Island.

So, Part 1: Mackinac Island.  Mac, and cool people like me call it, is about 7 miles in cirucmference and supposidly open to only bikes.  I found that this is a tourist gimmick, however, and trucks are heard and seen throughout the inner island. It was sold to me in biker magazines and my brain as an example of what could happen when a community got together and banned cars.  Really, it's an example of how you can make an entire city smell like horse poop. Which, was actually valuable to me, because now I can better imagine old west scenes.  Horse poop and pee. Everywhere.

I got to the Island by 9 on the ferry and did about 17 miles riding around in inside the island.  It was pretty rad, but me biking on Mac is like a pro-golfer playing put-put.  It's fun, but it's not really for me.  Tourists who haven't biked in years and are afraid of cars love it because they can pretend the live in a car-free utopia for a bit, but I can find a deserted country road on my own and live that for real.  Maybe a better comparison is that biking on Mac is like driving the fake cars at Disneyland.  I like people doing that though; it's a good way to turn muggles into bikers.

I did like it though mainly for the war of 1812 history, but the around 12:30 the tourists got overwhelming so I decided to eat a cheeseburger and fudge and headed to the lower pennisula around 2:30.  If I go back it will be with Iris to explore - I'm happy anywhere traveling with her - or with jugglers to get rich.  There were NO street performers there, and tons of people walking around looking to be entertained.  I didn't feel like solo-performing, but I think me and another guy could have brought in good money there.

Also on Mac I noticed a slow leak in my back tire, and when I changed it I found it was actually two slow leaks (both steel belted radials that had worked their way through my kevlar) and that my rear tire was toast.  It already had a few thousand miles before this trip.  So, I put my 700x32 from my front on my rear and put my spare 700x28 on my front.  It's not as cushy, but it's better than running a rear tire that was down to no rubber and kevlar in some places. Mac was a nice place to do the minor surgery though.

I got to Mackinaw City around 3 after another ferry ride and was riding by 3:30.  At 6ish I got into Cross Village with a total mileage of 43, but only 26 away from Ignace.  The ride was beautiful and on small roads again, but  I was tired - physically and sleepily, so it was very hard.  I desperately need rest.  I start making stupid mistakes when exhausted.  I left my hat (one of my favorites) in Mackinaw City. Sad face.

This town is great! It's tiny (pop 60 year round I think) but it had a great old historic resteraunt called Legs Inn staffed by people from Poland and an art gallery and art store.  I'm camped behind the Three Pines Gallery as the guests of Gene and Joanne.  I ate dinner at the historic restaraunt, had the best IPAs since leaving Oregon, and then the waiter comped my meal after hearing about my trip!  This actually put me in a spot, because he was so nice that I was going to tip him 40%.  Kindess ships passing in the night.

Which brings up my internal dilemna.  I don't know if anyone is still reading this far but welcome to me.  This trip is different.

As my first two bike tours progresed the personal bonds grew between the groups grew and we resisted the ending of the trip because we knew those bonds were going to dissolve.  On this trip the opposite is happening. Every day I get lonelier and lonelier.  With the exception of RAGBRAI and a couple visits, I haven't had a face-to-face relationship last longer than a day since the Mitchell Crew. I haven't touched anyone beyond a brief handshake or hug.  This hard for me.  I haven't gone this long without seeing Iris since we met (she visited on RAGBRAI my first two trips).

I also have a lot more moods out here, and they shift quickly.  Iris is the ocean to my mood climate.  When she is around my internal state stabilizes and I have the strength to disable emotions that I determine to be counter-productive.  That's not to say I never feel sad, for example, but I only allow that feeling if it's useful for me or the group.  Generally I feel happy or amused, and at most negative I'm stressed or annoyed.  Stressed isn't really an emotion though, I don't think, and it's useful anyway.

On this trip I'm getting the whole range - happiness, amusement, dispair, loss, fear, self-doubt, sadness, lonelieness, etc.  It's good for me to practice controlling these emotions without my ocean.  The challenge of this tour is becoming less physical and more mental.  The difficulty of the ride is not going to break me, but the difficulty of not being home is trying to.

I figured out why I've been feeling frequently unhappy since RAGBRAI, despite expeirencing lots of adventure.  My goals are too wish-washy.  "Ride until I'm out of time" ? What kind of bullshit goal is that? Before I had GET TO RABGRAI BY JULY 19th and GET TO BOSTON!  Without a goal or challenge to overcome I have nothing to quit (I don't quit) which means that it's nothing to just by a plane ticket home right now.  Why not?

But that doesn't feel right.  So I need new challenges - maybe I'll pull out little personal ones like besting my longest day riding ever (140 miles in 2003) or - even more difficult - finishing a ride with no clear finish or goal.  Can a goal orientated person like myself function in flux?  Can I stop myself from quiting just because the task is ill-defined? When I say things like "some things are worth doing just because they are hard" I'm cheating myself if I only try things that I know I can mentally or physically defeat.  Solitude - even though I see people every day - is new terroritory for me.  I owe it to myself to continue exploring what it does to me.

I think that's why I'm on this trip - I know I can bike across the US, that's old hat.  I know I love adventure (fun is just a bonus) - but what am I out here to learn? What am I out here to prove to myself?  I've never been so alone - that's what I came out here to face. If I'm afraid of anything, it's that.

Also, dude at the resteraunt bought my dinner because of this trip, so I'd better finish or I'd let him down.  How's that for an easy out?  Bleh!

ILYI